i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
