The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How does one acquire holy water?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
