I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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