I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
