New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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