My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
