I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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