The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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