my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
