Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
