Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
