I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize