If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
