i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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