one two three fourrrrnication!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize