$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
