All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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