i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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