im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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