I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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