Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
