i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
