That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
