If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
