Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
