someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
