LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize