you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
