My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
