your parents love me but you hate me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
