I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
