I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
