I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm like, not good at living.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
