Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
