Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
