Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
pop tarts are not kleenex
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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