Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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