Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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