Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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