oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
