Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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