i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
