come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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