I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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