last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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