Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
