If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
