woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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