We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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