After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
