the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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