remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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