P.S. I can't hear my feet
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
