You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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