so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
