I am in a vortex of obligation.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize