DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The feeling are messing with the penis
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
