All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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