Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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