shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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