he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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