Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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