My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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